I am thinking that I should become a moral absolutist. An absolute moralist. Beginning today, I will issue proclamations about morality. Everybody else has fun with this, on the marcro and micro level. Hard right people of faith believe that everyone should ascribe to their faith. Hard left people of faith also believe this, except for the parts that are Hard Right. In subcultures ranging from polyamorists to civil war re-enacrors to BDSM people to belly dancers to swingers there are rules that unfortunately change from person to person but are inviolate within their personal cosmos.
I am usually pretty easy going, but moral absolutism seems to inflame the panties of the masses. Because I live to please, and inflaming panties is the surest way to please, I will become the voice of authority.
I understand that I cannot do this in a half assed sort of way. You cannnot be "A" voice of authority. One must be "The" voice of authority. Otherwise there will be message confusion, as competing voices seek to assert authority, and turn life into a version of "A Comedy of Errors."
The key to asserting authority is to follow up with reasonable consequences for violating rules. So, from here on out, IF YOU LAY EYES on this document. If you even read the letter "I," your punishment for not following my dictates will be to spend the afterlife with a frog ghost living in each of your spectral orifices. Which is very uncomfortable. VERY UNCOMFORTABLE! Squirmy. Think hard on that.
So follows are the rules that you need to follow in order to be a Good Human Being (TM):
Rule One: To start with, Every Living Human Being should listen to the classic Christmas Carol "Fuck You If You Don't Like Christmas." Every time the singer says "Fuck You..." you must hear "you should." Except the line about brushing your teeth, which would parse as "You should like if you don't brush your teeth. It's Nasty." Which is bizarro world language. Instead, take that line as cannon, just as it is. Fuck you if you don't brush your teeth. It is nasty.
This is sort of a "do as I say not as I do" sort of thing. I don't like Christmas much myself, mostly because over Christmas weekend I end up watching alot of CSI at my parents. But I fully agree that any excuse to celebrate is VEN-or-ATE-able. An opportunity to just fucking let go of the horrendous bullshit that we put up with every day of our white collar, corn fed American lives just to buy video games and feed our kids. Any excuse to celebrate is a mandate. If you don't have work.
Rule Two: Every Living Human Being should read Kim Stanley Robinson. His entire cannon, but if you want an easy in, then you should start with 2312. Kim Stanley Robinson is the essence of liberal humanitarianism, the most pragmatic moral philosophy that exists. It recognizes that life is hard, even in first world countries, because you are experiencing it as hard. There is no bottom, empiracle level of hard. Your hardship is honored. But you still have to deal with shit. And it's easier to deal with heartbreak than endemic poverty. Just sayin', to quote The Bard. KSL illustrates this in every one of his magical novels.
Rule Three: Every Living Human Being should listen to the My Chemical Romance Album The Black Parade. This album is the best sequence of music that illustrates preservation in the face of despair, and the fair acknowledgment that your best efforts might result in nothing. BUT: And here's the point here: They are your best efforts. All of your best efforts are energy that propels the great ship of humanity into a future that will transcend the heat death of the universe. Your ignominy is a seed for the glory of your kin and legacy.
Rule Four: Every Living Human Being should read The Sandman, by Neil Gaiman, issue one to alkdfhjaldkhfadlkfhadlkh, which is the graphic novel version of the message in "The Black Parade." Studies have shown that people have to be exposed to an idea three times before they adopt it, so we've got two right here. A third will show up shortly.
Rule Five: Read the Principia Discordia, which is available for free everywhere. Because I abhore sycophancy, I will not tell you why. Your challenge is to figure it out how it ties in.
Rule Six... fuck, I don't know. This will be an evolving document. It's kind of co-dependant. But as a series of recomendations, it actually works out pretty well.